Starting Over

I stared at a blank screen for 20 mins just looking for a way to start. I'm utterly speechless right now. There's so much I could talk about but I'll avoid it all.... For now.Simply because I'm tired of those issues. Between Zimmerman, blatant racism, hidden racism, sexism, abortion, sex crimes and death it appears that the entire planet is heading to hell on the same express train (cue apocalyptic music). I'm gonna do something that I rarely do. Tackle a topic I tend to shy away from...

Me.

As many of you know last year on Sept 21st I took steps to prolong my natural life. No, at that time I wasn't dying. Nor was I in any ill health. I was (still am in my mind) obese. I've never referred to my self as obese before. This is the first time I've ever referred to myself in that fashion. Simply because I never FELT like it. On that day, as many of you know I had weight loss surgery. And since then my life has been somewhat different..

At my heaviest I maxed out around 410 pounds. The night before surgery I was down to 395. It was a scary thing to decide to have weight loss surgery and it was a long journey JUST to get to the surgery date. As I reflect back on that day (an I do that a lot) I realize that, making the choice. Was the EASY part.

Yes deciding to have my first MAJOR surgical procedure in my 34 years of existence one week before my third wedding anniversary was the easy part. Cause everyday after that its been a constant struggle to do the "right" thing. Albeit a struggle, it hasn't been a bad struggle. On the days where my stomach isn't in knots cause I didn't eat or ate the wrong thing those are the great days. Everything else falls in the middle. Establishing a diet that is fulfilling and nutritious has been a journey. And I'll admit I've learned a lot. I've had a great support base (which is a HUGE help). The internet has been a wonderful resource as well. But most importantly I had to help ME.

Deciding to have this surgery was a decision I made for me. I made the decision to have it for my wife. I didn't want to leave her too soon and let some other undeserving bastard marry her after I was dead and gone. One one only needs to love one undeserving bastard in a lifetime and I'm hers. I made the decision to have surgery for my family. So that they wouldn't regret having lost me too soon to something preventable. I made the decision to have surgery out of love. So yes I made the decision for ME.

It wasn't until AFTER the surgery that it hit me the impact my decision would have on others. Not just those closest to me.

Contrary to popular belief I'm a reserved individual. I do cut loose more often than not but I tend to be the in the background type. I didn't want folks to look to me for inspiration. I'm no model of success. I'm screwed up in the head. I'm human, no better nor worse than anyone else. Yet with this "selfish" decision I've become an unexpected inspiration to others. So with that I'll say this.

No matter HOW you do it. Do it for you. Be selfish.  Losing weight isn't easy. Hell it's not meant to be easy. Its a damn bitch. Having weight loss surgery, for all of us who've done it, its the end of THAT line. We've done everything else that has been asked, suggested or demanded of us while on THAT LINE. We made this decision for one last shot at a different life. I won't say better, just different. So now I'm on a different line. And I'll ride it till I see where it takes me.

Thanks to all who've commented and congratulated me on my journey. To me I'm still the fat guy in the corner with the smart remarks. You guys have actually helped me realize that I have done something truly remarkable.. in under 11 months I'm down to 205 as of two weeks ago. Its scary to realize that I've lost the equivalent of a grown man in body weight but I have.

From what I've been told my journey is not normal. And I'm also sure I'll gain some weight back. Which a few pounds upwards isn't a bad thing. Just not too far upwards.

May 2012

May 2012

Sept 2012. 1 Week Post Op

March 2013

April 2013

April 2013

July 2013

Not saying nothing

Hello all, it's me again. I know it has been a while. I just don't have much to say these days. I just been to lazy to sit down and type anything out.

I'm gonna give this a shot today and see how it goes.

I started to talk about hood funerals and how the family of the worse non- church attending fools always want to have a proper burial for their deceased individual. Started to talk about how ignorant their request end up being and how everyone that comes up to give remarks be lying. He was such a good this and a great that. Then you get the preacher up their lying cause he has to. He doesn't know the person and can only go on what the family tells him.. I left that alone cause it basically boils down to, No matter what life you lead when you die, you're dead. You family should not use church to tell beautiful lies on you cause GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!..

Then I started to write about the Boston Bombing and all that transpired last week. Car chases, explosions gun shots all resulting in one dead domestic terrorist, another in custody 4 dead citizens hundreds injured. Then I thought about it, I'm gonna leave this one alone as well. Simply because there are some that believe that this was just a lie orchestrated by the U.S Government to scare us into a state of panic so that we'll give up more of our individual rights than we already have. Or there are those that think "If they were so smart to think up this plan and pull it off why didn't they have a back up plan." Those are two very equally absurd theories to a fucked up situation. Why couldn't it just have been two men pissed off at the country over what they consider as injustices done to others and wanted to exact their own measure of revenge on said country in the easiest and most direct way possible. That's just as absurd as the other two theories. What it all boils down to is, Regardless of what you believe really happened each theory is just as asinine as the other so the only thing that makes any sense is probably the simplest of the situations.

I gave a passing thought to discussing the recent strike of employees in downtown Chicago today. Basically a bunch of restaurant and retail workers walked off the job because they want more money. Minimum wage isn't cutting it anymore. Essentially you can't raise a family on minimum wage.. Wouldn't go here either cause this is a trap. Years ago jobs in retail were for high school kids or college kids. Individuals who had no responsibilities, or if any they were very miniscule. Now you have adults, college grads and senior citizens working these jobs. People  who have mortgages debts and bills to pay. They've kicked the kids out of the jobs traditionally meant for them and now want higher pay. Nothings wrong with that, especially when you overlook the major fact that you're taking jobs from kids who will need the job experience later in life, forcing them to run the streets all day and night. And what is boils down to is, To get more you have to value yourself more. Use that job as a stepping stone to something else. Don't stay there and expect McDonald to put you in a new Cadillac. And if you've been there multiple years and you've been doing THE SAME THING then YOU need to spend some time doing some personal re-evaluations. Simply because you're letting them screw you and you're not getting paid properly for it.

So much on my mind but nothing to say.......

Crumbling Humility

I was feeling bored. Or some kind of way and decided to write. Remember I said it's cathartic for me. The problem was I couldn't think of anything to write about. I was directionless. So I asked my FB family what should I take a stab at writing about. And the first response I got was about Jesse and Sandi Jackson and how they've fucked up their lives.

Well Here ya go... Lets take a quick look at Crumbling Humility...

If you're not aware of this sad fact (you may not be a Chicagoan) another politician has been arrested and is going to jail. For of all things campaign fraud and filing false tax returns.. Word has it that their combined income was somewhere in the neighborhood of $350K (jointly). So what in the hell would give them reason to do something so stupid. So reckless... Simply put They lost their humility.

Temptation is a bitch. Temptation is what makes us strive for something other than our current situation. It's not something that applies to only humans. I'm sure all living beings experience Temptation on some level. A dog sees a plate of food. He/She KNOWS they probably shouldn't eat it. Yet it's there... I mean IT'S RIGHT THERE!!! All juicy and moist and fulfilling. Probably smells better than that shit master served earlier today. Although it's there for the taking the dog hesitates. It KNOWS that it shouldn't do it. It shouldn't even contemplate it. Yet it licks its chops. Looks both ways then eases forward. Lick, look, ease. Repeat. Before the dog realizes he's satisfied, Temptation has won. That need the dog felt has been sated... Till the next plate shows up.....

Now translate this into the Jackson situation (loosely). They're not poor. Hell by most standards they are well off. They aren't uber rich but they make enough to not have the normal headaches most of us have. PROVIDED they live within their means. They're politicians. Hell they're related to Jesse Jackson. A man many of us have read about in history books. They have advantages that many of us don't have. YET... There's a plate of cash just sitting there...IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!! And whats worse, it's got their name on it (along with something that might say campaign fund). Their income is sufficient to satisfy their needs... YET.. IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!!! So they rub their hands together, look over their shoulders, pinch a lil off the side..Repeat...Temptation has been sated... Till next time. Cause after all IT IS RIGHT THERE!!!

So like the dog, who licks, looks, eases and repeats. The Jacksons, rubbed, looked and pinched and pinched and pinched till they got caught.. The question is why? My simple answer is they were human and they were weak. Their humility had crumbled... Sadly this happens to most people in a position of power.

I'm sure being in a position where people kowtow to you, even a small number of people, gives you a sense of entitlement. Preachers and politicians are PRIME EXAMPLES of this. They run for office or they stand in front of dozens or thousands and spread the Word. Whatever their profession that's a rush. Those endorphins kick in. You get high from that feeling of superiority... And each time it happens you risk your humility crumbling.

You pinch and pinch. You make a mistake and you realize that "maybe you SHOULDN'T be doing this." Yet those that are around you. Those that are supposed to keep you grounded "like a spouse" are just as caught up in that mental high as you. Before long, instead of pinching, you're scooping. Hell why not scoop IT'S RIGHT THERE!!! Who's gonna stop you. To the outside world you're well off, so some of these purchases can be chalked up to you spending your own cash. With each purchase more and more of those humble traits you had fade away.

Whats left when the humility has crumbled? Guilt, shame, embarrassment (jail time). And for what? A fix? As anyone that's addicted to any drug or alcohol. It feels good when they're doing it. A sense of power. A euphoric high... A rush... When you start your humility is intact. 100% shield strength... Yet as each temptation comes at you. Each hit on that pipe or sip from that bottle. Each time someone says that sermon touched me or that bill you supported really helped me out, that shield weakens. Each time that lil sexy bitch Temptation sits in your lap your defenses weaken. Then what you KNOW is wrong, doesn't seem all that bad... Hell it seems like the perfect thing to do.

Hell you may even feel entitled to do it. Don't preachers oftentimes take on an air of moral superiority cause they have been "chosen" to spread GOD'S word. They tend to forget that in order to serve ANYONE you have to submit. Submit to those that you're serving, and to those who helped you get there. Haughty folks can't serve. You need some sense of humility... And when that's gone....

You end up like Jesse and Sandi. Arrested and embarrassed. Looking at jail time cause of a bitch called Temptation and a small thing that is the remainder of your humility. Can temptation be avoided. No. Temptation can't be avoided. The very nature of it is to TEMPT YOU. Can you FIGHT its pull. Yes. It's not temptation that gets you in trouble. It's GIVING IN to the temptress. It takes practice and a strong support system. A REALISTIC support system. Not a bunch of YES people who never call you on your BS. You have to admit that you're weak and susceptible to it. You've got to remember to be humble and admit your flaws and faults. You have to maintain some humility.

That's my take on it. This could just be more of my idiotic bullshit. Or there could be a small nugget of sensible truth to these words. Who knows....

Fed Up!!!

Hey world, its been a while. I know most folks could care less about what I write in these pages. Yet alas it's really not for you. It's for me. For my peace of mind. For my piece of sanity that I hold on to during my existence on this planet. I write because it's cathartic. This is my medication and my meditation. If I happen to pass along some morsel of information of news that touches you and brightens your day GREAT!!! If not that is GREAT as well. This just means that I'm not your cup of tea. To each their own.

The few of you who've read my posts in the past may remember that about 5-6 months back I took the plunge into a healthier lifestyle. I had gastric surgery back in Sept.. No this post will not be an update regarding my progress. I get the questions all the time how do I look and how do I feel. I'll probably share more details along that track a little later.

So if I'm not writing to update you on that aspect of my life, what pray tell could be so important (used EXTREMELY LOOSELY) that I'm dusting off these keys to express myself..... Well it's this disturbing bit of news.

Go head.. Let it digest for a second.....
I'll wait for you to finish scratching your heard and yelling at the screen...

You better yet??
Good.
Now I shall begin..


Let me re-establish several facts about who I am as an individual. The following things have been previously established (via past posting)

1. I do not have kids that are naturally mine.I have 2 step kids, a grandson and a host of god kids and other young ones that I look out for.

2. I'm an educated black man.

3. I'm prone to be long winded when I'm wound up..
Now if ANY of those things don't agree with you...I suggest you leave now..

Not having any children of my own I will admit there is a whole gamut of child rearing things that I'm not knowledgeable to. For a lot of parents raising a child is a hands on learning experience. Many of you don't have relationships with those that raised you to turn to for advice. Many have lost their parents before they their first born arrived. For them raising their children is based on books..

Then there is the other side. Those that have elders to nurture and educate them as they nurture and educate their little ones. This is extremely important in black families.I can't speak on any other cultures cause I'm just one black man. We're a very hands on culture. We're very nurturing and loving. Contrary to the media reports that are shown we're not all savages..And yes a lot of times we rely on old tactics  to help with child rearing.. I've heard a TON of wild and crazy shit. NEVER HAVE I EVER HEARD OF GIVING BLEACH TO ANY LIVING THING!!!

I 'm glad the baby is recovering well. My heart goes out to the young father.. Although the story is brief and doesn't go over anything of substance, at least he's attempting to care for his child.. I'm not one to go lightly but I won't bash him for his fathering attempts.. The fact that this kid ACTUALLY BELIEVED the person who told him this shit is where my issue is.

This kid is clueless about life. Sorry, let me correct that. He's clueless period..I'm gonna leave him alone. Simply because by giving his child bleach he's telling me (I'm no professional) that either A) he has no support system at home to help raise this child. B) he's lacking some sort of basic logical reasoning skills. My issue begins at the 14 sec mark of the news clip.

WHO'S THE BITCH WHO TOLD HIM SHE'S DONE THIS AND WHY IS SHE NOT BEING ARRESTED AND HAVING HER KIDS TAKEN FROM HER!!!

That's my gripe.. That's what burning my ever shrinking ass. Out of all of the shit that I've ever heard to do for a child, this is a first. I'm fucking dumbfounded, flabbergasted and down right confused.. I'm so far done that I'm ending this now............. THAT'S JUST HOW FAR GONE I AM!!!..

Bleach to a child.....

Who in the fucking hell has ever heard of a thing....

And his ole simple ass believed her....

He's arrested and she's probably someplace telling her kids that it's ok to let Pastor Joney rub your bare bottom in his office, he a man of the cloth.. Or worse, you can have beer and a crack pipe for breakfast.

Damn idiots.....I'LL BE BACK