THE BANALITY AND ACTUALITY OF TELEVISION

Back in the day little boys and little girls, men and women all would congregate around the television  to enjoy a few hours of sometimes mindless yet always entertaining shows. Shows that often times showed families in situations similar to those of the viewers. The plots although similar were often times exaggerated for dramatic flair. Every now and then, the tones of the shows would become extremely serious and touch on topic close to the human heart and condition but never discussed within our homes. As an African American I can remember when the topics like of molestation and death were introduced on shows like Different Strokes and Good Times (DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!).  These were the episodes that generated positive discussion within households and amongst friends. These episodes joined us to our fellow human beings. Race creed, religion nor color mattered. This was REALITY TV. 

Fast forward to today and what do we have. Survivor, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars, Real Housewives of wherever, and Jersey Shore. The state of television has diminished so damn much that we are always bombarded with SOMEONE talking about some idiotic shit that happened the night before on one of the multitude of asinine shows that pander themselves off as "REALITY" tv. I mean, television has for decades, been referred to as the idiot box. This has now become such a true statement that I, a child of the media and technology boom make the following statement. I'M READY TO CHUCK THIS SHIT INTO FUCKING LAKE MICHIGAN. I really am.

Let me back track for a second. I used to be a sitcom guy. I'm drawn towards shows that are off the beaten path, so to speak. As a shorty my show was Quantum Leap. As corny as the acting was, the show has a UNIQUE plot line focusing on bettering the lives of individuals that the main character touched. You ever notice how he could never leap from one life to the next UNTIL he'd completed his mission. MacGuyver, the brainy hero. I mean what little boy wouldn't love a show where the character cuts through solid steel with two pennies, a pair of jumper cables and a battery. Or better yet, he showed you that there ain't SHIT that a lil duct tape can't hold together. (I know some of you who've read my other diatribes are wondering where's the kicker. Don't worry its coming) Now these two shows are just a small portion of what I used to watch as a youth. These shows also have NOT A DAMN THING in common with reality TV. I mention them to say this. BRING BACK SCRIPTED SHOWS WITH ORIGINAL FUCKING CONTENT.

Now back to the issue of reality being scripted and what i see as being wrong with the whole sorry lot. When did the television viewing public become so fucking apathetic with its own damn lives to approve the wholesale distribution of this FUCKERY. I mean give me a break (SHOUT OUT TO NELL CARTER!!!). I think I can honestly say that we can thank (hate) MTV for unleashing this bastard child onto the viewing public. Yet they were just an offbeat channel looking for programming. They specialized in shit like this. So for them it was normal programming. 

YET THE REST OF THESE PROGRAMMING BITCHES GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!. All these other channels are like the second guy in a bare back gang bang. You know that someone else (writers) has been in there and dropped a load of nut (shows) in that cavernous, skanky, over used pussy (television). And you stick your dick in anyway. For the pussy involved (television), it doesn't matter if the first guy (MTV) has a 4 inch dick or that the 10th guy has a 13 incher. The fact remains that everyone after the first is just NASTY AND FUCKING DISGUSTING!!! What does this mean to the consumer? Well, once they are done fucking and abusing and nutting all over and in that pussy (television) she will get up, clean off  and attempt to go on about her life. That is until she wants to become respectable again and attempt to date someone new (writers). They date for a while and everything is good (the return of situational sitcoms some decent shows). Every so often she will let him stick it up her ass and pound out a few hits (NCIS, V). After a few years of this what do we(consumers) get? Shows covered in shit (in fighting between producers, cast, and writers) and run out of existence only to be viewed in syndication (Sienfeld, Friends). As for television, she's still a bitch, with a sore ass and no reprieve in site for the never ending gang bang of HORRIBLE ass dicks (reality tv and what not) that parade themselves off as suitable lovers(decent shows). And in the end we end up with a fucking SNOOKI  and a NENE.

If you haven't noticed there is a theme here. If you just happen to be an individual who can't see the forest for the trees i'll be blunt and point it out to you. I FUCKING HATE THE MAINSTREAM VERSION OF REALITY TV. And by mainstream I mean all the damn shows mentioned at the beginning of this journey. We can't show a strong loving black male figure in a recurring role on TV? We can't discuss sex in an open and frank manner on tv? We can't have shows that stray away from the menagerie of shit thats currently on tv? HELL NO we can't. What we can have is SNOOKI and NENE. Kill me now...

Let me set the record straight, I've never for one millisecond even watched either of the shows these two appear on. Nor have I watched any of them. The closest I get go reality TV is Worlds Dumbest. So for all I know, they could be decent, upstanding individuals (HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH). Yea right. they are folks who's lives aren't their own. Reality TV is a real as the acting is in a porno. This shit is more scripted than WWE, and we KNOW that shit is totally scripted (highly entertaining though).

RHOA and Jersey shore are just two shows that have emerged from a pit of endless shit. Its the same pit that folks like Rush Limbaugh, Don Imus and their ilk have spawned from. Folks continue to promote and support this shit simply because "its entertaining." So was stoning and beheading back in the day.  All I want is for some HONESTY to return to television. Reality TV should stand up and say what the shows are really about.. 

RHOA should be renamed to the Bitter Bitches Hour. Although this title could also apply to Bad Girls Club. So how about we put them on back to back preceded by the show 16 and pregnant and call it the BITTER BITCHES BLOCK.. Yea i'm tossing 16 and pregnant under the damn bus. As if the decision to get pregnant or better yet, the decision to partake in actions that lead to teenage pregnancy aren't bad enough. We reward you with your OWN TV SHOW.

The Bachelor and Bachelorette could be renamed to A Pimp and His Whores or a Pimpstress and her ManWhores. I mean really, HOW FUCK DESPERATE AND LACKING IN PERSONAL RESPECT AND SELF CONFIDENCE, must you be to go on a show and COMPETE for someone to love you. Love and respect yourself first. I mean if you wanna be just a number that someone is dealing with just pick up a stray in the bar. It all amounts to the same shit. In the end you're either gonna get fucked or not. 

Dancing and Skating with the Stars new name should be Washed Up and Worn Out. The best thing about this show these shows are the porn parody's that have come from it. Can we cancel this shit and show something with some real stars. Hell when did figure skating and ballroom dancing make it to prime time anyway. I thought it was relegated to PBS (where the real professional preform (SHOUT TO WTTW CHICAGO).

Jersey Shore's new name should be Fucking and Drinking. An entire TV show dedicated to a bunch of over coiffed, overly tanned, promiscuous skanks and douche bags. Its a bunch of self conscious individuals looking for an easy lay. And they wanna be called stars. YOU DON'T DO SHIT YOU FUCKS!!!

Basketball Wives, Baller Wives or whatever the fuck yall  in this new series of shows based about the "WIVES" of athletes. The new name should be Skanky Whores. Uhh yea, most of em ain't married. They just sperm boxes or a fetal implantation clinic or just runners (If you don't know this term i suggest you hit up urban Dictionary) Just a bunch of ladies who decided to forgo the virtues of safe sex and groupify themselves and get pregnant by an athlete. Then you promote yourselves on a show with WIVE's in the title. I guess call yourselves a bunch of groupie fucks was to REAL huh.

Love and Hip Hop on BET I won't even say shit. As if the fact that BET is attempting to come up with pseudo-original programming isn't embarrassing enough, it's attempting to combine two African American mainstays (love and music) in a show. Just stick to fucking up The Game with your horrible concept writing.

I'm sure some of you who read this will say. This dude is nuggin futs. Or he's just using this blog to spout hatred at reality shows. And you know what, you're right. I AM nuts. Adjective you use, or simile  or metaphor that you can  create to describe me is probably true. It doesn't change the fact of what I said or the fact you spent time reading it. Thanks 

Tee'd Off

I will preface this with a warning. If you're a race other than Black you will probably not care one minuscule iota about this particular edition from me. That's fine. If you find that this touches a cord within you then that's even better. NOW on to the message or the bitter miscalculated rantings from a Black Man with an ax to grind against his own people.

WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET A CLUE!!! If you didn't know this about be (I hope there are some readers who I don't know personally) I'm black...... SHOCKING isn't it. A Black Man who can actually articulate a thought that's not related to a big ass, a blunt  or malt liquor. A black man who doesn't have 4.5 kids who he has NO interaction with (I LOATH THOSE FUCKERS TO THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL).  I'm a black man with a college degree. I roll with black men with college degrees. I've got two siblings with college degrees. If you're missing the point I'm educated. No I'm not the smartest person I know. Hell I may actually be the dumbest person I know. I'm no scholar nor close to the intellectuals that Cornell West and Henry Louis Gates are. I'm just me.

With that being said the following statement, I stand by 1,000% YOU FUCKERS THAT CONTINUE TO STAND ON THE CORNERS WITH YOUR PANTS HANGING OFF YOUR ASSES IN WHITE OR DINGY WHITE T SHIRTS IRK MY FUCKING NERVES. I can't stand you irresponsible, drug dealing, baby making neglecting, self hating, lazy ass wanna be hard bitches. You all make the Christian in me CRY every time I look out my window. All you do is stand there and lower property values and destroy the meaning of what it is to be black.

As I've stated I'm no scholar, yet to me being black is NOT merely about my skin color.Its about the my history. Its about understanding, recognizing, and realizing that we are a people born of struggle. A people that have come a long way from Africa.  We've endured the middle passage and slavery. Oppression and Jim crow. We WERE the civil rights movement. Our history is littered with the bodies of our forefathers who died so that we could do what, stand on the corner!!! GIVE ME A FRIGGING BREAK!!!!! You fucks are doing your damnedest to set us back.  Us hard working Blacks that get up and go to school or work a 9-5. Us hard working blacks that appreciate the joys of ownership. Us hard working blacks who AIN'T YOU!!!  I wish I had an immediate answer as to how we save you all from the depths of idiocy and ignorance that you are currently doomed to live. Some will say pray and that's fine. Prayer works, prayers changes (HALLELUJAH!!!!! insert song and praise dance here). And I will continue to pary for you all that are already there almost beyond hope. Yet praying isn't always enough. we have to take action to break the cycle

It has to start with the younger generation. It starts at home. Its time that we stop PRODUCING kids. Now I don't mean that we should come up with some magic sterility drug and distribute it to the Black community forever rendering us all sterile. Although for some of you baby factories, that don't ever work and are always getting free shit, and fucking it up for everyone else, learn to swallow or take it on ya chin or cut ya damn dicks off. Or this could become a viable option. By PRODUCING  I mean stop making kids and  not giving them guidance. Imagine the product line at Ford. Each station works together to create a car and then they put them on the lot. THAT WHAT ALL YOU IGNORANT AS IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS ARE DOING. Two of yall lay down, fuck without protection, 9 months later a baby is born followed by years of this child being put out on the lot (corner). You all have produced a life. And with out guidance that child will turn out like an SUV in the hands of a blind man. A TRAGIC ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN!!!!.

 This is gonna sound cruel but its true, some folks spend more time on their hair, nails, cars, weed, clothes, jump shot or burgeoning music career than they do with their children.Get up off your decked out, always dressed in some name brand clothes by a designer (sometimes racist) who doesn't care about your black ass and enjoy your kids. There's nothing like helping a child learn, watching that light of understanding as it burns in their eyes when they finally discover that they can do it. Stop spending your time watching some ignorant ass reality TV show EVERY DAMN DAY and spend a few hours reading with them. Go to a park, show them the wonders of a LIBRARY!!

For our Daughters
When we raise our  baby black girls  to be  young black girls who grow into Strong, Beautiful, Intelligent Black Women we show them that those fools on the corners, the ones I started off talking about. really aren't shit. They are really just blemishes on the face of society. We begin to break the cycle. They will understand  that if I do have a child I DON'T want them to either look like or be attracted to that ignorance. They will have instilled in them a sense of decency and understand. An upright and righteous moral code.

For our Sons
Wee need to stop PRODUCING this shit. Stop allowing little boys to be terrors. Teach them to respect women. You think its cute that you  lil man man got an ear ring at 3 years old. Yet when he's 15 and won't do shit you say you got an attitude. He's stealing from your purse and he's got 3 girls pregnant. If you had taken time when he was a toddler and groomed him to be a decent respectable little boy he wouldn't have made you a grandmother at 33. You wouldn't have to lock your purse up when you go into YOUR house. Raise him better than you were raised.

I end this missive with this. Black Men and Black Women need to come together and raise our children again. As a unit. It doesn't necessarily have to be the birth mother or father of the child. Nevertheless the child needs to have a POSITIVE point of reference in their lives of what a man and a women really is.Stop Producing garbage. And start raising Black Kings and Black Queens.

Who am I you ask? I'm no one to you but a made up name in cyberspace. I come from a home where there was a mother and a father (49 years and they still going strong) so my life is not the life of a most of my Black brothers and sisters. I know who my father is, I'm named after him and its a name I carry proudly. I was raised to respect women and most importantly I was raised to respect myself. So if this comes off as high handed and as if I'm talking down to the cats on the street. Well I am, do something that I can respect and maybe you'll understand where this comes from

GARBAGEUS INTERRUPTUS

There are just some days when shit just ain't going right between yall. She's pissed at something that someoneelsedidsometimelatelastweeksomewhereelseotherthanhome. And you're pissed because once again she's fucked up whatever you're watching on television with her ill timed request of husbandly duty. I mean come on, i'm in the middle of (PS3, XBOX, ESPN, the latest Big Wet Asses DVD) here and you decide NOW is the time that THIS has to be done. It doesn't matter what THIS is, that shit just has to be done NOW. Doesn't matter that the trash has been sitting in the same spot for 3 days and we've both walked past it twentyeleven gazillion times. That shit has to move NOW!!!!! And we do it grumbling, and bitching and moaning. So what happens now. We fight. A big ass dumb ass silly ass argument all about the FRIGGING GARBAGE. I mean the argument smells as bad as the garbage will in a few days. Then what happens after the fight. We go to sleep mad. So now our sleep if all fucked up cause we nervous as hell, wondering what you're gonna do to us while we're sleep. We can't remember if this is your cycle week or is it next week. So yea i'm all nervous and shit. And you're just as irritated. So to show my love for you for the silly fight we had last night

I start the day off with a romantic breakfast. Something simple, eggs, bacon, pancakes, a blueberry banana smoothie served in bed. Gotta make sure my baby gets her day started off right. Before she leaves start cleaning up the house. Do the laundry, wash the dishes....etc

About lunch time I send her a vase full of Red Vines (candy) with a long stem red rose in the middle. The rose MUST BE in full bloom. The note reads "Like this rose, my love is in full bloom for you." Love always. 

About 2:00 p.m. I send her a text message reading ":I'm so glad you married me. I thank GOD everyday for blessing me with a wife thats as loving and caring, and beautiful and sexy and understanding as you.. I can't wait till you get home."

Since she gets off at 4:00 pm I wait till approximatively 4:45 pm  and send a text with a sound file. The sound file is a picture of our bedroom door closed the music is Silk's Meeting in My Bedroom. At this point unless she's TOTALLY BLOWING ME OFF she has gotten the message.

PEEP THE SET UP

 Lights down low smooth jazz playing in the background  NO VOCALS. I don't want any other voices but her's and mine. Dinner is a simple fare with wine all through out. For dessert, caramel covered fruit. I'm talking strawberries, and pineapples HAND FED. The juicer the better.The tone has been officially set. As dessert is ending the music changes, up first:

SEDUCTION by Usher. 

Sensual, sexy, erotic
How you workin' your body
You gon' get me
Do It
Do It
to ya
Seduction
You thought out your best
To get me outa control, baby...

As she's dancing to the beat, going up and down that stripper pole in her head, then comes

NAKED by Marques Houston

Don't say a word
Just come over here
I got somethin' I gotta do tonight
Listen

She's in the clothes that GOD intended us all to walk through life with when she hears:

MOMENTS IN LOVE by Art of Noise.

as I carry her to the room room she notices there's a soft glow of candles. The bed is covered with rose petals. The song now playing is:

AFTER THE CANDLES BURN By Ruben Studdard

Time, is all we have...
Look around and see... it's just you and me, baby...
The atmosphere is love... The thunder's rolling
Hit the lights, 'cause they keep going in and out...
I'd rather see your silhouette, once the candle's lit.. Oooooo....

Then she hears:

DOWN HERE IN HELL WITH YOU by Van Hunt

I Really Love It When
I Love It When We Make Mistakes
Because Once Again
It Gives Me A Reason To Complain
I Love The Battle Lines
The Battle Lines We Draw When Crossin The Mud
Ooh I Love It When We Fight

And all though i'm pissed, (fucking garbage), I still love her.  So I hit her with some Barry White, to let her know when I knew I loved her

ITS ECSTASY WHEN YOU LAY DOWN NEXT TO ME 

When we met, it wasn’t quite clear to me
What you had in store was there for only me
Silly, you know you took me by surprise
Then I turned and looked, I saw that message in your eye

as i'm looking into her eyes, telling her how much I love her, the music changes to

MARATHON by Raheem Devaughn

As the seconds turn to minutes
As the minutes turn to hours
As the sound of love is hollared
Time just keeps elapsing

.

Every time I see her like this all I hear is

INSATIABLE by Prince in my head

I got a jones, Martha
Oh yeah, it be like this
I can't have a hug unless I have a kiss, ooh (I can't have a hug unless...)
My body, baby, U truly do
Insatiable's my name when it comes 2 U

As it start getting good the song switches to:

TILL THE COPS COME KNOCKIN by Maxwell

Gonna take you in the room suga'
Lock you up and love for days
We gonna be rockin baby
Till the cops come knockin

Just as she's about to get to the good part. That big 'O'. This is gonna be a big one to. I mean we've had foreplay ALL DAMN DAY. I done cooked and cleaned, fed her fruit, played some sexy music, made love to her mind. This is gonna be an EPIC ORGASM. And just as she's about to hit that point of no return I leap from the bed yelling "OH SHIT I FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE"... and run from the room. . 

Moral of the story is, just like you were expecting to have that  orgasm and didn't . THATS HOW I FEEL WHEN YOU ASK US TO TAKE OUT THE DAMN GARBAGE ALL OUT OF THE BLUE. So the next time you think about asking your man to take the garbage out. Remember this story.

Loving Hatred

As I get older, I've learned that not much surprises me anymore. I've been called a cynic and yea that's part of it. OK I'm lying, that's a HUGE part of it. Hell I've been an asshole since I was a kid. I'm so much of an asshole my mother said to my girlfriend " You do know that he's an asshole right. Are you SURE you wanna deal with him." Those are the words my mother, the woman who birthed me told a complete stranger, to her. The girlfriend later became the love of my life and decided she would be my wife. (Pray for her cause she needs it. I mean, I'm not all there mentally and too much there physically. OK now back to what was really to be the reason for this post. Over the weekend two female friends who are very dear to me despite space and time both had a run in with someone via Facebook. Said individual has let it be known in no uncertain terms that he HATES homosexuals. He also let it be known that he really doesn't care too much for the two lovely ladies (HEY YALL) who had opinions other than his. Well let me be the first to say that as a United States citizen he has the right to say anything that he wants to say. That is one of the founding tenets of this vast and great(well sometimes great) country we live in.

Now what does all that have to do with the price of tea in China right? Well its the matter of hate that bugs me. How can you hate an entire group of folks who've done NOT ONE DAMN THING TO YOU!!! I mean give me a break. To say you hate homosexuals cause they like to sleep with folks of the same sex is tantamount to saying I hate new born babies. I mean WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU!!! Were you the victim of some random grab ass by a gay guy? Did a queen hit on you in the club? I mean WHAT!!?!?!?!?!? Did you pick up some chick only to take off her dress and get smacked in the mouth my 13 inches of dick? I just wanna know what you've got against the sexual community. And when I say you, I don't mean him, in particular(cause I didn't care to much for his ass in high school and I could care less now) I mean all those with hate in their heart towards the Rainbow Nation? Explain it to me cause this fat boy here is lost as to a clear cut reason for the level of hatred that some folks carry towards the gay community. Some will pull the bible out of their, bags, purses, back packs, e-book or cell phone and say "In the book it says" this and that. Well it also says in the book Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;" The book also teaches us to love each other as he loved the Church. So to use the Bible to justify hatred sounds like something that is one step below the radical teachings of some other religious groups HMMMMM!!!!!(food for thought).

So with all that said (shit this is turning out to be much longer than even I expected it to be) I just want to say GET OVER IT!!!! If you hate homosexuals for some perceived slight that they never even visited upon you then just get a fucking life. They don't care and those like me just sit back and look at you and say REALLY!! You feel that strongly about them and I'm sure you've NEVER had one that you can call a friend. I mean a good close friend. I count myself as lucky, (here comes the cliche ) as someone who has gays and lesbians as some of my closest friends. I'll go one step further, I've hugged a GAY MAN before. He didn't grab my ass and he didn't get excited that we were hugging (least i don't think he did). Its not a disease, its not communicable hell, its not even a choice. YEA I said it, its not a choice It's who they are. So accept it. You don't have to like what they do in the bedroom. Just like you may not like being tied to the bed and having hot candle wax dripped on your nipples. Hell I'm sure the thought of hetero sex is appalling to them.


We as Americans are entitled to free speech. As adults I hope we learn and continue to learn that we can have conversations and discuss our likes and dislikes without all the hatred and vitriol that takes over much of the discourse we have.

RANDOMESS

Its always said that violence never solves anything. I bet the person who got they ass whooped came up with this statement. I mean seriously, if some dude was starting shit with me, being a royal pain in my ass and I just knocked him the FUCK out, my problem has been solved.  I'm not saying it's the proper way to solve an issue. Yet it's solved.

Whatever happened to hoe's knowing their place. Your place is is ANYPLACE I'M NOT UNLESS WE FUCKING!!!!! Then and only then should we co exist in the same place and time. I'm sick of hoes wanting to spend time and holidays and getting pissed when you say no. I'm sorry but I can't take you home to my moms if you let me cum in your eye the first night we met. Just know this off top. 

And since when did we as a country start to reward mediocrity? I mean if you ain't shit, ain't never been about shit, never gonna be shit why the hell should we care about you. If  you release or publish some inferior shit, i'm not one to sugar coat the fact that THE SHIT SUCKED. If it sucked it sucked. thats like saying "oh baby the food was just a little browned on the side" while the damn fire truck is leaving your house. 

And last but not least. HOW IN THE HELL WAS SARAH PALIN EVER ELECTED TO AN OFFICIAL OFFICE. I mean I know you don't even think Alaska is a real state (Sorry Alaskan's) but she was the governor? I mean what, did she promise to let the male voters cum on her glasses for their votes? Or maybe she promised all the "Hockey Mom's" tax breaks on cookie dough and all that other house mommy shit. I mean REALLY!!!! OK i'm done.