Helping Ass

Dear SardonicRhetoric, I'm a 24 year old black male who's engaged to a wonderful woman. We  met while we our freshman year in college and have been together ever since. The sex is excellent. She does anything and everything I could dream of ask for. She' even cooks dinner most nights Everything is great except for one minor thing. She has an  temper. In fits of rage she's liable to do harm to anyone around her. She's physically assaulted me on numerous occasions.Nothing serious enough to warrant a trip to the hospital or a call to the police. I've asked her to seek counseling and she says that she will but days a weeks go by and nothing. I'm lost. I love this woman so much and I don't want to lose her. I just don't know what to do. Please help. Sincerely yours, Attached to Simmering Sandra.

Dear Ass, well it sounds like you're got a serious issue here. You getting ya rocks off royally. She will even cook dinner for you. The only problem is (hey watch that right hook), is that she's a lil physical. And you wanna know what to do. I know we say love is blind but dude, has she blacked BOTH yo damn eyes. Wake yo ass up. She's treating yo ass like a diaper.. She rubs her ass on you, shits and pissed on you and then throes you into the washer to clean you off and do it all over again. So you don't know what to do huh. Well here are some simple analogies, Ass to help you see the light.

A stranger walks up to you and says, "Give me all your money. I don't have a gun, nor a knife. I'm not even gonna touch you. But you gonna give me all your money." Do you give him your money?

Your girl tells you, " I know we been living together for five years. And i know we haven't had sex in the past 3 months but I wanna tell you that. I'm 2.5 months pregnant and you're the father." Do you believe her?

At work your boss tells you "We love what you're doing for the company. We want you to take a 10% pay cut and work 15 additional hours a week." Do you accept?

Ok Ass, if you answered yes to ANY of these politely lose my fucking e-mail address and never contact me again. Ass, your answers clearly show you are NOT going to take heed to ANYTHING I say. Further more, Ass, it also shows that you are totally destined to be a whiny lil bitch and never realize whats happening to you. Until YOU understand that all the signs are there and that only YOU, Ass, can change your situation.

Keep ducking that right hook homeboy.

Now if you read this and it sounds like your life then please take note. USE YOUR DAMN BRAIN BEFORE SEEKING ADVICE FROM ANYONE ELSE. You know the millisecond your stupid ass decides to write the fucking letter that you aren't going to listen to the person. SO stop wasting their time. If yo ass is ALWAYS crying, bleeding, pregnant, paying the bill,  holding the bag or any other situation that YO SIMPLE ASS CAN RECTIFY WITH A LIL COMMON FUCKING SENSE AND SELF RESPECT don't write,text or call anyone..  Reach out when you really ready to Make that change.

A gift, for you

This is a total divergence from my normal stuff so for my frequent readers be patient. This is gonna be mushy.

A few years ago I was blessed to meet, date and ultimately marry the woman of my dreams. For me its truly been a blessing having her in my life.  For her though, i'm sure its been pure hell. I mean she married me.. I'm crass, rude, loud mouthed and I tend to tell the truth. So when she ask "Baby, does this dress make my ass look fat." I'm gonna say "HELL YEA IT DOES!!! Wear more like it." I mean really, what brotha doesn't like a fat ass?  So for her I'm sure its been a lesson in patience and torture.

Yet day in and day out she endures it. All the hell I put her through, and all the pain that she's experiences on a daily basis. She puts up with it all. Never cries (or when she does its never for long). Never quits. She's my fighter. And I love her all the more because of it. So on this day, your birthday I share these words with you. From the heart. These are not Hallmark words nor are they taken from some obscure rarely read heretofore unheard of book. This is an original. Like you.

Every night a part of me cries. 

In remembrance of all that we have shared.

Every night a part of me cries.

As I accept the fact, that another day has passed.

Another day gone by. Fading into forever.

Every night a part of me cries. Cause I have lost a day to be with you. And for this simple fact a part of me cries.

Every morning I sing, and praise HIS name.

Cause he has blessed me with you.

As my love, as my wife.

Every morning I smile, and i'm ever so thankful

for you are the reason i'm eternally grateful.

So Every night I die and every morning I sing

and you are the reason for both of these things.

Every day that passes is one less, and every day that dawns is one more with you. So every night I cry and ever day I sing. For the simple fact of the joy you bring. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY. I hope I make you as happy as you've made me the past two years.

Excuse Me, Bitch!!!!!

I was raised to be respectful of everyone. right up until they do some shit to negate that respect. I wasn't a punk. I just respected the fact that you were a human being with your own issues. So if i encroached on your personal space, lets say, on the bus. I would respond with a will placed excuse me. Just my way of apologizing. Now ask yourself when was the last time you said excuse me to someone in public while encroaching into their personal space as you passed them... Now if you're one of those folks who will bump into folks before saying excuse me when passing them and NEVER utter an apology this Excuse Me, Bitch is for you.

So starting now, when ever someone bumps into you on the bus, in the mall, in the parking lot or even coming out the door. If they don't say excuse me, just say, Excuse Me, Bitch. Now for those of you who are kinda frail looking or don't know how to fight I strongly suggest you say this in the comfort of your car or even waaaaaay under your breath. Cause these are fighting words. Yet again, maybe its time to fight. We've given up common decency and good manners in our rush to be the ultimate self centered pricks. You aren't the end all be all of the world. So fuck it lets fight. And once you whip they ass lean over them and say where'smy EXCUSE ME, BITCH!!!!!

And if you get yo ass whipped, stand up, and spit right on they shoe and say, EXCUSE ME, BITCH. Then run like hell. Ain't no need in taking two ass whippins in the same day. THATS OVERKILL.

RIGHTEOUS HEAD

Most, if not all, of you who may happen to grace this page and read it will have heard the story of David V. Goliath. The short sweet version is lil ole David hit BIG OLE GOLIATH IN the head with a stone and knocked him (INSERT FRIDAY REFERENCE HERE). Upon which he took Goliath's sword and cut his head off. Everyone looks to this story (both biblical and non-biblical folken alike) as a story that represents what faith in GOD will do for you. Or they see it as being able to overcome any obstacle, regardless of the size. It hit me that this story can be viewed another way to.

Church is an awesome place to go and fellowship. Yet its not the end all, be all of an individuals salvation. There are those that want you to believe that if you're not in Church on Sunday morning for, Bible study, followed by devotion, and morning prayer (toss an alter call in the mix) followed by the actual word, then benediction , that you're going to HELL. I say good for them. Those are their feelings and they are entitled to them. My response to that is a a church is a building. That's it. it's brick and mortar, steel pipes wooden pews (or chairs). Its a big square box.

BLASPHEMY!! some might yell. Well hey, truth is truth. What makes a building a CHURCH is the faith of those that enter it. The knowledge, (what they hold in their heads), that what they feel in their hearts, is true. This is what makes a building CHURCH. Now you can get all technically religiously on me and go into the 

consecration of the ground and everything else that  goes probably goes into it . And my response...............its all filler. Without knowledge (a head) its still a building. 

Now what does this have to do with lil ole David and BIG OLE GOLIATH?. Relax, I'm coming to it soon enough. Just remember (if the head ain't right, the rest will fall)

When we talk of building and creating we always talk of a strong foundation. We give credence to things at the bottom that helped us get to the top. What happens when the top ain't right?.Imagine building a house. You start with a foundation and work up. Yet if you build a bogus roof the house will eventually fall. A foundation is only as the items built upon it. Church is the same way.

I don't need to go to a building every Sunday to get the word of GOD. I know, I know, I'm SOOOO GOING TO HELL right. Maybe, I am, maybe I'm not.. I can't say. Only HE can judge me. All I know is that when I'm talking to someone else about religion. When I'm living my life as Christan like as I can be. When I  share my Christianity with others. I'm in CHURCH.  .ISHY HEAD is the reason so many aren't in that building.

Yea I said it. ISHY HEAD. As I've stated before, church is nothing but a building. Once those who enter into it start believing in knowledge, (what they hold in their heads), that what they feel in their hearts, is true is when it becomes CHURCH. What happens when there is ISHY HEAD in a Church??? Unfortunately we've all been there and we've seen what happens. Its David vs. Goliath all over again. In a different context. David confronted a giant and exposed the weak spot. For all his strength, size and armor, Goliath's weakest point was his head. 

Look at all the major corporations and companies that folded and went under the past few years. They had a foundation, yet they had ISHY HEAD. And look what happened. Ishy Head will get you every time. 

So I leave you with this. GET YA HEAD RIGHT. And for all of those who want to go to CHURCH but don't due to ISHY HEAD remember this,don't let their ishiness impact your christian journey. Your shoes are your shoes for a reason and walk your walk the way you want to. No one cares how you get there just get there.

Love on a Loaf

On my way home I called the wife and asked if I needed to stop for anything. BIG MISTAKE!!!!  here's how the convo went.


Me "Hey baby, you need me to stop for anything?
Wife "Yea we're out of bread. can you stop and grab a loaf."
Me: "and what else?"
Wife: "Thats it just a loaf of bread. Oh and come caramel syrup and whip cream. I feel like making a banana split with you as the banana.".... Ok maybe not that last part (oh how i wish she had though) all she wanted was a loaf of bread.


One loaf. 


A single solitary stinking,LOAF of bread. I mean what the hell is she thinking. I'm a MAN, i need a true quest. Send me to track down some ribs or a case of beer. Maybe even go out and buy a new TV. Something manly. But NOOOOO!!!! She sent me for a loaf, of bread. 


No Peanut butter
No Jelly
No milk and eggs
No Ham and cheese
Just a loaf.


I diverted my commute 15 mins to get a single frigging loaf of bread for a sandwich that she MIGHT decide that she wants to make the next day. And you know what. 


I went. Cause i'm a man in love with his wife. So I went to that store and I conquered that loaf and took home the spoils of war to my lady. 


Cause I'm a man, with a loaf, in love.


And for all you women who will read this and say "YOU ASKED IF SHE WANTED ANYTHING." Just shut it up. will ya.

Patiently Waiting for Patience

Who ever said patience is a virtue was a bastard. No offense.... well some but don't take it personally bastard. I mean who the hell likes waiting. We spend so much damn time waiting for one thing or another. What the hell is ever gained by having patience that the statement she be patience is like a rectal exam, its gonna hurt. No matter how many times you do it, no matter how much lube you use. The shits gonna hurt. All we can do is grin and bear it and say "please sir, can I have some more." Well you know what, I'm not saying accepting that. On this day the 13th of April in the year of our Lord 2011, I will say FUCK YOU PATIENCE!!!! FUCK YOU!!!.

We have to wait for everything thats good don't we. I just want once, for the universe to conspire together and give me INSTANT GRATIFICATION. Just one day of my every simple wish should be magically granted, I can see it now.

Walking down the street I see a new car thats just my style and then POOF, i'm behind the steering wheel flying down LSD (Lake Shore Drive for you non Chicagoans). Music blasting (POWER by Kanye) on my way to my nice 30th story condo over looking the lake.

How about sitting at home watching the news when some story about Rush Limbaugh comes on. They're talking about some smart and intelligent statement he's made supporting The President and poof ,I'm standing in front of him with a hand the size of an elephants ass smeared in shit. As he stares at me like who the fuck is this big ass Ni--- i smack him dead in the mouth, yelling RESPECT MY CONGLOMERATE  while Busta Rhymes plays in the back ground..

Or even better yet, I walk into the Westside Walmart and its ACTUALLY A FUCKING RESPECTABLE BUSINESS. When you ask for assistance the employees actually speak English. They sound like people who respect themselves and want to help you.

Just one day is all. One day of  instant gratification. For shit to go my way. Until then, when the fates conspire to give me my ultimate wish I wait...fucking patiently.